A Former Cube Guy's Breakdown Of This Stupid 'Study' On Writing Professional E-Mails

Alright so let me set the scene here just for background situations. I'm looking around for blogs today because it's the slowest basketball day of the NCAA Tournament. I happened to see an e-mail study and got my attention. I spent nearly a decade in the cubes and dealt with everyone from sales to IT to customers and everything else. I don't miss it at all. The bullshit you have to deal with in the office. The having to just sit there until 5pm because it's an arbitrary time that people decided the work day should end. 

Started reading it and decided to get more into it. See my last job I dealt mostly with people in different countries so it was nothing but email. It's also 2022. Don't call me unless it has to be described. Granted I left the cube in 2018, you get the point. 

Let's break it down. (h/t Daily Star)

A survey of 2,000 professionals, who use emails for work, revealed the do's and don’ts when it comes to constructing a digital message.

A fifth wouldn’t dream of using emojis, while three in ten hate “text speak” in an email.

First off, this is where my antenna went up. Only a fifth of people wouldn't dream of using emojis? 2,000 is a decent sample size here. A fifth? If you send me an e-mail with an emoji I hate you. I hate you so much. I'm not an emoji guy. Never really used it, they came in way past my prime. That number should be like 1,999 out of 2,000. 

The study also found four in ten respondents get annoyed when people in their company “reply all” to an email they didn’t really need to.

No way is it only 4 out of 10. No way at all. A reply all is horrendous. Everyone thinks they are a comedian the moment a reply all e-mail comes in. They decide to reply all to the reply all with the lame joke. This is especially bad if you work for a company that's like 50 people or bigger. It's never ending. You can't just mute an e-mail like a text chain or something. I understand a mistake happens - hell our beloved Mintzy sent a reply all e-mail a couple months ago but that's just Mintzy. You can't start making jokes to reply all to the reply all. 

Unfortunately, of those who didn’t take appropriate cautions when emailing, many received an unhappy response – with 22% getting a telling-off from the boss, and one in ten having to write an apology.

When asked about the worst thing they’ve ever sent or received over email, one respondent said they sent a fake resignation, while another delivered a message intended for their wife to the boss.

I don't want to give tips away, but this is an awkward moment pick. 

It happens. It's like your phone contacts. Ever have someone next to someone else and it's quite literal opposites? Yeah, terrifying. Here's the thing. It takes 2 seconds to make sure you're sending everything to the right person. Triple check that shit. ESPECIALLY if you're sending something to a significant other. I don't care if it's asking what's for dinner for the 100th time today and the response being 'I don't care.' 

Just under two-thirds (65%) blame composing emails in a rush for making mistakes, while 31% said the volume is simply too great.

31% of people in this study are olds. That's the only excuse here. It's e-mail. The 'volume' is probably like 100 a day tops. 

As a result, 33% have Googled for advice on how to send an email properly.

33%? It's not that tough. Allow me to teach the yutes here for a second. You start with a simple greeting. Then you get right to the point. Explain why you're e-mailing and what you need. It should be a few sentences. Nothing extreme, break it up into two paragraphs if so. No one wants to read one long ass paragraph. End it with 'thank you' and your name. Boom. Send e-mail. It's really not that tough.